i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
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I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
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I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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