he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
