There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
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