he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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