i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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