I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
