Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
