After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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