Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
