Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
