I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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