Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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