We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Farmville is her only friend.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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