Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
