Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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