How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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