I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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