Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
