I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
