why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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