Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
