you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
