i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
