I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
