You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
