i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
