I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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