never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
