So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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