I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
