Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
