I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
