I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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