porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
