I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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