i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
