I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
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