On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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