8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
