Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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