Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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