I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
