Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
