I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
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