If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
