I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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