What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
