Your face is a jimmy john
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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