Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
