Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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