Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
