we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Can I color on your dick again?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
