My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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