Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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