I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
