I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
