two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
