i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
