i wish peter jackson would direct porn
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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