I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
